Unpacking Childhood Messages Around Sex and Relationships

From the moment we begin to make sense of the world, we absorb messages about sex and relationships—some spoken outright, others implied in the subtext of our upbringing. These early narratives shape the way we understand intimacy, desire, boundaries, and even our own self-worth.

For many, childhood lessons around sex were laced with shame, confusion, or silence. Perhaps certain topics were deemed "inappropriate," or maybe the only discussions about relationships revolved around fear—warnings about pregnancy, heartbreak, or “doing the right thing.” Even in homes where sex was openly discussed, the nuances of emotional intimacy and relational dynamics were often left unspoken.

But as adults, we have the power to reexamine, challenge, and rewrite these narratives.

Where Do These Messages Come From?

The messages we receive about sex and relationships don’t come from one singular source. They’re embedded in the culture we grow up in, the family dynamics we observe, the media we consume, and the education (or lack thereof) we receive.

Some common sources include:

• Family Beliefs and Behaviors

  • Did your parents or caregivers talk openly about relationships and sex, or was it a taboo subject?

  • Were you taught that love should look a certain way—heteronormative, monogamous, or based on traditional gender roles?

  • Did you witness healthy models of conflict resolution, consent, and mutual respect?

• Religious or Cultural Teachings

  • Were there strict moral guidelines around sex?

  • Was sex framed as something shameful, sinful, or only for marriage?

  • Were specific gender roles emphasized in relationships?

• School and Sex Education (or Lack Thereof)

  • Was sex education fear-based, focused solely on risks like STIs and pregnancy?

  • Did it leave out crucial aspects like consent, pleasure, and emotional connection?

  • Were LGBTQ+ identities acknowledged, or was the curriculum heteronormative?

• Media and Pop Culture

  • What did movies, TV shows, or songs teach you about romance and desire?

  • Were relationships depicted as dramatic, toxic, or dependent on "winning" someone's love?

  • Did media reinforce unrealistic expectations around attraction, commitment, or what it means to be “desirable”?

Common Childhood Messages—and How They Show Up in Adulthood

As children, we don’t always have the ability to critically analyze these messages. We internalize them as truths, often carrying them into our adult relationships in ways we don’t even realize. Here are a few examples:

1. "Good girls (or boys) don’t think about sex."

• Internalized shame around desire or self-exploration

• Feeling guilty for wanting pleasure or expressing attraction

• Associating sex with "giving in" rather than mutual enjoyment

2. "Love means sacrifice."

• Staying in relationships that feel imbalanced or draining

• Believing that suffering or struggle is proof of commitment

• Ignoring personal needs in order to “keep” love

3. "Sex is only for marriage (or for reproduction)."

• Feeling disconnected from sexuality outside of traditional contexts

• Struggling to embrace pleasure as valid on its own

• Experiencing guilt or anxiety when engaging in sex freely

4. "Men should initiate, women should be pursued."

• Pressure to conform to rigid gender roles in dating

• Feeling like being “too forward” is unattractive

• Expecting one partner to do all the emotional labor in a relationship

5. "Relationships should just ‘work’ if you love each other."

• Avoiding hard conversations or conflict resolution

• Expecting love to be effortless, leading to disappointment

• Confusing chemistry with long-term compatibility

How to Reclaim Your Narrative

If you recognize yourself in some of these patterns, you’re not alone. The good news is that these messages aren’t permanent—they can be unlearned, challenged, and replaced. Here’s how:

1. Bring Awareness to the Messages You Carry

Start by reflecting on the narratives you absorbed. Journaling, therapy, or talking with trusted friends can help bring these hidden influences to the surface. Ask yourself:

• What did I learn about sex and relationships growing up?

• How do these beliefs show up in my current relationships?

• Do these messages align with my values and experiences today?

2. Challenge Shame with Curiosity

Many early messages about sex are rooted in shame. Instead of accepting them as absolute truths, approach them with curiosity:

• Where did this belief come from?

• Is it serving me, or is it holding me back?

• What new narrative would feel healthier and more empowering?

3. Seek Out Alternative Perspectives

If your early education around sex and relationships was limited or biased, explore new voices. Read books, listen to podcasts, or engage with therapists and educators who offer sex-positive, inclusive, and emotionally healthy perspectives.

4. Reclaim Pleasure and Emotional Intimacy

Pleasure, connection, and self-trust are all parts of a healthy relationship with sex. Learning to decouple shame from desire can be a powerful step in healing. This might involve mindful self-exploration, open conversations with partners, or simply giving yourself permission to want and enjoy intimacy.

5. Allow Yourself to Rewrite the Script

You are not bound by the messages of your childhood. You get to choose what you believe about love, sex, and relationships moving forward. This process isn’t about erasing your past but about consciously shaping your present and future.

Final Thoughts

Unpacking childhood messages around sex and relationships isn’t easy work, but it’s deeply transformative. By questioning what we were taught, we open up space for new possibilities—ones rooted in self-awareness, mutual respect, and genuine connection.

What messages did you absorb about sex and relationships growing up? How have they shaped your experiences? Let’s start a conversation.